I love my job, I'm just not very good at it. Almost every day I do some task, or make some decision that I've never done/ made before.
For example, last week we brought in our first harvest of rice. As the farm manager, I'm responsible for coordinating the harvesting crew, managing the harvest and determining what to do with the harvested grain. I've never grown rice, I've never harvested rice, and I've never brought rice to market. To be honest, I feel pretty useless and even a bit stupid in situations like this.
Real expert describing the process to his boss
Cutting the rice
Threshing the rice the same way it's been done for hundreds of years
I like to feel competent, to know where I'm going, to have a plan and to have good odds of success.
In other words, I like to live inside the borders of a world that I control.
But I've been called beyond those borders, and if I can just get beyond my ego, I might get to experience a life beyond both my abilities and imagination.
It is in this realm, the realm where the only explanation for the things that happen are supernatural, that God has called me to live, and it is here, and only here, where He will receive the glory He deserves for His mercy and grace.
There are days when I try to maintain control, display my competency, prove my worth. These are the days when deep down inside I feel crushed by the weight of a task to which I am not equal.
There are also days when I simply offer myself to my master. Days when I accept the ever available gift of grace that, when coupled mysteriously with my sacrifice of will, produces supernatural results. Eternal results. Real success. His Kingdom coming!
These are the days when I love my job and God is good at it.
Surprisingly, I can identify with this though our jobs are sooo different. Sometimes the tasks of mothering a toddler seems overwhelming and impossible. There is no reasoning or negotiation. Sometimes my efforts to console her or distract her are useless. My attempts to steer her or guide her in vain. Some days I finish exhausted, frustrated, and feeling like I wasn't the mother I wanted to be. Thank you for your reflections on the subject. I always enjoy reading your posts. They are always thought-provoking. I didn't know you had this blog, but was glad to find it.
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